Today I am so intensely grateful for freedom.
I saw him yesterday – a year after my heart broke so painfully and vividly.
And when he walked through the sun toward me I discovered, to my shock, that the attraction came back instantly.
But my heart, and my mind? Still free. Attraction is a gentle tether and as long as you stay away from the source of the attraction, it doesn’t have to be a rope upon your life – it is so much less of a chain than the love and the affection and the longing – so much less of a meaning.
It’s okay, Jason.
I’m not in love with you anymore.
And you look at me with eyes that still see and that still want things, and you reminisce about our relationship, and somewhere in you that fire still burns, and if I let it, would catch alight in me too -
but I don’t choose.
This freedom God has granted, after 367 days, 90 of them spent in the most intense pain I’ve ever experienced, 90 of them spent dating someone else who extended me such utter grace and warmth that all the leftover bits of hurt and brokenness and darkness closed over and closed up – it has not been for nothing.
I will always love you. As one loves a family member, you who have been in my life for 8 years. But I don’t love you. And that is a gift and a blessing and a guidance from my God and so I will not walk back towards you but will stay on my path in my little bubble of the world and not glance your way. Live in freedom, Jason. Don’t pull me back in. Let loose the cords in your heart that bind you to me. Our God is greater. Our God is wider and bigger and kinder and wants your completeness more than anything – so don’t continue on your path as if I am an essential piece of your life.
I don’t know why he still loves me. I am moved that he does. But I am not glad. I want his freedom, and mine. I will pray that God brings someone to him, someone he can love fully and gladly with a surety I don’t think he could ever extend to me.